We should
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: We should have put an end to it before even starting.


We should have put an end to it before even starting. Before we realized that we had no hold over it. You gave life to me until I died, slowly, between your arms. I felt how my heart was breaking into pieces while the blood running into my veins was getting icy. I started shivering uncontrollably but I swallowed back my tears. There's no need people know about it. There's no need to cry once you stopped breathing.

I hope one day you will forgive me. You will smile back at me and let me understand I'm not guilty. I know you will need time to soften your anger and accept the fact it was a dead-end story but if you don't mind, I will lie to myself and pretend you will get it. And if it's not for you, do it for me. Please. I know I can trust you and I always did, even before the night you captured my lips and stole my heart in the silence of our sighs.

These are just bright memories we have to put aside. We can't live prostrated before the past nor regret the present eternally. We have to go on and try to find a way to bury our feelings. This is not a game but reality and it hurts so much. I'm so tired of it. I just want to lie down and let people forget me. I want to get back to this previous life I used to call mine. When I thought I was happy and I hadn't fallen for you. I need to go away or just get lost in my regrets. And then we'll see, if only I'm still there.

We kept it for ourselves because it was destructing and would obviously sound like an affair. Was it reassuring to meet you by night? When nobody could see us or hear the despair of our hearts? Unless it was just the best way to hide the truth to our minds and pretend in the darkness that everything was fine and it wasn't really a lie. It may have comforted me for a while but it also caused the decline of my life and the sadness of yours. I always knew it would only be a matter of time, a couple of tears and this flame in our eyes as soon as we would meet but our bodies would remain frustrated because of this distance we needed to keep alive between our sweet dreams; all these words I loved whispering to your ear.

You said once they could never get it. Not just Jack and Grace but the whole world through which we had to live and so we did our best to hide our feelings but can't you see that it's the reason of our tears? All my sleepless nights and this shame, weighing on me? You killed me, Will and you have no idea how I hate it. I so don't care about this protection you pretended to give me, this comfort and those bright statements you kept on saying just to push away my fears. Unless they were yours and this incapacity of settle down any relationship, as serious as it can be. You will never move forward and I don't want to spend the rest of my life hoping a change of mind from you while obviously you will remain the same. I can't do that, I'm sorry.

She looked down to prevent from crying. A whirl of rage was twirling in her veins. She clenched her fists then turned and went away. The night was falling over the city, its boiling life slowing down little by little as the streetlights were shining in the dark. She gasped under the unexpected coolness of the air when it hit her lungs sharply but she was running late, Stanley was probably waiting. So she stepped into her limo and broke into tears as soon as she slammed the door and went away from Will. She should have known they couldn't help failing and she would find herself lonely, she always did when she let her feelings get involved in any kind of story.

She huddled up against herself, the softness of her suede scarf caressing her skin as Will used to do when it was time to leave. But he wasn't there. Her cellphone rang, she let the tone die in the depths of her purse. She wouldn't have been able to say anything and didn't want to anyway, the tears were relaxing if not comforting and it was all she really needed. But very soon the car stopped in front of her building and so she had to cease. She removed the prints of her tears but it looked like sadness was engraved on her features. She managed a smile, then sighed. Her gaze met her driver's eyes in the rear-view mirror for a couple of seconds, a glimpse of time. They stayed quiet, lost in the secrets of their lives, the weakness of her smiles. But she couldn't handle it anymore and so she stepped out leaving behind her cries and her broken heart. All her story with Will and her dying feelings. The painful memories of a love that had had to cease. For what?

She opened the door of her penthouse and abandoned her coat on an armchair. Then went straight to the reception room, a soft and suffocating music playing in the background. She leaned her head backwards, closed her eyes.

We shouldn't have done that, Will. We shouldn't have done that.

She frowned and bit her lips, swallowing back a moan burning her body. Then held her breath.

But life has to go on, honey.

She pushed the door and entered the room. She went for Stanley immediately, picking a glass of champagne while passing in front of a waiter. The party was already in full swing. She tightened the grip on her husband's arm, she was missing Will so badly.

Well, well, well… Isn't that Karen Walker and her dear ATM of a husband? Happy wedding anniversary diamond hunter.

She looked at Beverley Leslie but didn't say a word. Her lips started shaking, leaving her dearest enemy a bit astonished.

I shouldn't have gone away, Will. Please, forgive me.

She just smiled back politely, as brightly as the tears that could have been running on her cheeks.


End file.
